The Agony of Pain

I remember the first time I talked about my foot issues here on my blog. It was a very long time ago; it was in fact my very second post. Here I stand today, almost two years hence, with my 50th blog post, in what is supposed to be a very proud moment for myself. I even planned to come up with a special post to commemorate this humble milestone of my blog. But as fate would have it, I've turned in with a sprained ankle yet again. And with tired tears rolling down my eyes, I am gonna tell you how it really feels.

I have a prolonged instability issue in my left ankle. Or so the doctor said the last time I consulted. So to say, my ankle keeps on getting twisted every now and then, many a times ending up in a bad swelling or muscle strain. It all started with a very bad fall I had some three and a half years ago, which resulted in an injury that unfortunately went untreated. And now it doesn’t matter anymore how much I treat it every time it occurs. How does that sound to you? Probably something like, this girl cannot even walk properly without falling down. Trust me, the line I sometimes get is, ‘You walk with your head too much into the air to actually notice where you’re walking or what you’re stepping on to’. Pun very much intended for me. Walking about in a crepe bandage (not that I like to flaunt it, but being a student whose college won’t stop functioning for her frequent injuries to heal, I have to instantly get going with zero rest every time) all I get is fake sympathetic glances from colleagues, curious expressions from strangers in the metro and worst of all, mock scolding and digs (like the one I quoted above) by my near and dear ones. Move still closer to home, and they’ve literally stopped taking it seriously now. It isn’t a very rare event really, is it? Just me, getting an ankle sprained every couple of months or so. What would usually follow is some limping around, crepe bandages, smell of strong ointments and possibly pleas for help in procuring things I myself cannot. That’s about it. The whole problem summarized in brief. It’ll come and go away of its own accord, no need to bother.

What the suffering person is undergoing, no one really knows. It’d only be another recurring sprain to you, but I practically go through the agony of this terrible pain every single time. To add to these woes, having to limp about my work and still get everything done like it should be done only increases the agony, also making sure that the injuries never heal completely. Result – the carry forward effect, further worsening the instability. The feeling of being temporarily disabled, of having to take help from indifferent people for things that one could very well do on one’s own at some other time is horrible, to say the least. It nothing short of breaks me from inside at times.

Due to some irresolvable issues, I’ve never really gotten around to figuring out what is really wrong with my ankle. It has to do something with the muscles I believe. All the same, the MRI will find out tomorrow, if indeed I finally manage to get it done, that is. I don’t know. I wanted to write a lot on this today, but I’ve suddenly gone blank. Most of what I said above might not even sound sensible, but then, it is how I feel. And being a restless person, always on the go, always at something - to have my foot bound in bandages and ache at the very thought of walking straight – I have much reason to be frustrated and sad. Wish someone really understood.

Breaking Down

I have been thinking about what my next post should be. It's already been long enough since I wrote. And then I stumbled upon this long-lost piece of poetry that I wrote probably more than a year ago. I thought I would only be fair to it if I finally let it see the light of day. And so, here it is. Might as well be my last poem to come out for a long time to come, given that I am on some kind of a sabbatical from poetry for now.

How helpless can you feel at times
When you just don't know what to do
There's a lump in your throat, your eyes well up
But you have to swallow your tears
And move along with a cheer.

Family, friends, you've got them all
Yet why do you feel like you have no one?
No one you could turn to
No one to call your own
You end up standing alone
Lost in this crowd of intimate strangers.

You know you're losing this one-sided fight
And a mute spectator to your own turbulent life
You feel suffocated, dying to cry out
A strangely profound fear fills your heart.

You've lost your courage, you've lost your spirit
You've lost all sense of retribution
You've lost your faith, your mind is in tumult
Either you break out of this deluge
Or it tears you down.

You act like you're fine, you smile, you laugh
But you're falling to pieces with every silent blow
You tell yourself, this too shall pass
But somewhere deep inside, you know it never would
And you feel the helplessness take over you
As you watch yourself breaking down...


This piece is an attempt at expressing certain feelings that lie buried in a corner of everybody's hearts. There are those times when you feel totally helpless, lost and confused. As if you're falling into a deep abyss with no way to escape. The feeling may be a temporary one for some, and a lifelong void for others. But while it lasts, it leaves you gasping for breath, wishing that you'd be dead instead of enduring such excruciating pain. Because it isn't as much the pain of not being able to do anything, as of not really knowing what to do.

Eyes to My Soul - Part III

Find the rest of the story here.

Part III

I don’t exactly remember grasping any of the who, when, where, how that followed thereafter. I was in a daze. Losing all perspective, not knowing whether to be enraged or feel sorry for myself. Why would this happen to me, I wondered, that too finally when I had thought I’d put an end to the indefiniteness and tell her how I felt. I suddenly saw all the moments we’d spent together fly past me, dancing in stop motion. I felt numb. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Wasn’t I the one she talked 24*7 to, shared her deepest thoughts with, and liked to hang out with? Aren’t those the first signs of blossoming love? Didn’t she adore me for all my funny antics and silly flaws? Wasn’t it too obvious that we were meant to be together sooner or later? Wait. I must certainly have heard it wrong. She must’ve named me as the one she liked. That was how it went in my dreams. That was how it was always meant to be. This wasn't for real. I wished with all I possessed for this to be a nightmare and for me to wake up right then. Only, I didn’t. Because it wasn’t a dream. It was real. And I realized that this was it.


She was looking at me with an amused expression and asking if I was even there. So she knew I wasn’t. I tried to collect myself, mumbled something incoherent. She smiled and asked me if I was gonna finish my ice cream or let it melt. I said I didn’t feel like having it. She nodded and got up to make a move. I followed. On the way out, I couldn’t help myself and unknowingly, asked her if she indeed was serious about this guy (whoever he was, I had not the slightest idea at the moment). She looked at me for a moment, as if seeing through me, reading my thoughts. And in a grave voice, replied in the affirmative.

I don’t remember anything that happened after that, until the moment I saw my mother hovering over me in a dimly lit room that looked somewhat like my own. She looked pale, anxious, very unlike her usual demeanor. Next I discovered her hand on my forehead, over a dripping wet piece of cloth. My sister lurked near the door to the room, looking unsure, visibly shocked. I tried to sit up. Mother held me back, requesting me (again unlike her usual self) to rest. I was surprised. What exactly had happened?

Then I felt the shooting pain. My head. It seemed to have been struck by a heavy blow, the way it hurt. Like hell. I couldn’t keep my face from contorting, sending my mother into an attack of hysteria. She asked me if I was fine; I counter asked her about what had transpired. And then I heard. I had returned home late that evening in an inexplicable state, keeping silent and heading straight to my room. When mother came in with a cup of tea, she found me lying unconsciously on the bed, running high fever. I wouldn’t wake up for hours. And when I finally did, I could recall nothing. So they knew nothing.

I spotted dad, standing in the far corner of the room with a questioning, somewhat sad look in his eyes. I didn’t know what to say to them. I could sense the extreme anxiety and concern in their eyes. But I didn’t have the answers to their questions. I was at a complete loss of words; I couldn't explain to them what I was going through. And so I never did. I just swallowed it all up; buried deep in my heart, never to let it out. Until...

To be continued...

Random Blabberings

Disclaimer: Bear with me here for as long as you can. Or close the tab in my face. But DO NOT even think about clicking on the Unfollow button after reading this.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't have any particular agenda for writing this post. Just had some things on my mind that I wanted to write down. Quite unrelated but significant thoughts that needed an outlet. And so I've put them down here, conveniently in bullet form. :D

1. I forgot my own guest post.
Yeah, the one that I talked about here. And yes, I forgot to tell MY OWN readers that I did finally manage to write it and it got published here some two weeks ago. That was pretty silly and careless of me. I don't even know how I skipped it. Blast! Nothing's lost yet though. You can still read the post now. :)


2. The Hugh Syndrome
So, like it earlier happened with Afghanistan, my life's at it again. This time it's the name Hugh following me. It has just been appearing in front of me far too frequently for some time. It all started with my falling in love with the actor Hugh Grant, I suppose I've mentioned him more than once in earlier posts. :D
Then I happened to take a liking to another actor after watching a certain movie of his. Hugh Dancy that was. Then came in Hugh #3, Mr. Hugh Jackman, the Wolverine and more recently the Real Steel guy. I really truly have the hots for him. But then comes another Hugh, this time in the form of Dr. Gregory House from the TV series House MD. I am currently OD-ing on this medical drama, easily watching 3 episodes a day, that amounts to over 2 hours of my precious time everyday. But the point here is, the doctor in question, Dr. House, is played by a brilliant actor Hugh Laurie. Intense acting, fabulous sarcasm, highly irritating to everyone around him. Jussst perfect! :D So there we have Hugh #4. Now that's a lot of Hughs to keep track of. Not that I mind much. As I said, just had to write it all down. Anyone reading this would surely be all *facepalm* right now. :P

3. My fiction writing
I've been actively dabbling in fiction stories these days. Now that is how things go with me. For months at end I won't be able to churn out even a bunch of sensible lines, and then suddenly I'll feel inspired and end up taking up old stories I had left unfinished and completing them, only to move on to new ideas. I received predominantly positive reviews for my story Eyes to my Soul and its sequel. The subsequent parts of the story are in the pipeline, as is another story that I am presently thinking of. And I need honest and critical reviews for my stories so as to help me do better. Toh Sun lo saare aalsi people, I need comments! :P

4. The Random End
A random post calls for a random ending, doesn't it? So I'll just end with a picture a friend once mailed to me when we used to be all gaga about the TV shows FRIENDS and How I Met Your Mother. It is sort of funny. And quite random in itself. Just what I needed to make this post my randomest ever. :P

Eyes to My Soul - Part II

Read the rest of the story here.

Part II

I remember the day she called me over for lunch. I was a nervous wreck. It wouldn’t be your fault if you thought I looked like one too. I was having almost girly jitters. In a state of part excitement and part anxiety, I couldn’t eat all day. Random thoughts kept flashing through my mind. Was I finally going to name the feelings I had for her? Would I admit them to her? Will I be able to say a single coherent word in the face of her deep crystal eyes that double up as a polygraph? Did I even have the courage to own up to my own feelings? Questions galore, answers none. I looked at myself in the mirror again and again but couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Something was out of place. Was it that conspicuous blush on my face? God, I was panicking. She could easily do this (and more) to me with something as simple as an invitation to eat out.

I was supposed to meet her at a fast food joint near her college. I reached half an hour early to calm my jittery nerves, so as to cut a smart picture when she arrived. Did I succeed in doing so? I wouldn’t know. She never showed any hint of ever noticing anything different that I’d tried on in order to impress her. Whenever I tried to dress up well or get a ‘cool’ haircut, all she would do was to act amused, laugh it off or outright ignore it. It always reminded me of how rugged and uncivilized I looked beside her. Not that she cared though. She was always her nicest to me.

She as usual came ten minutes late and started telling me all about her day at college. I kept looking at her, slightly nodding or interjecting wherever I thought it would give her an impression that I was following her words. Not that I wasn’t interested; she was an eloquent speaker. I just found it hard to concentrate at the same time on her moving lips, the glint of her earrings and the sound of her talk. It just wreaked havoc on my senses if I tried to catch all of them together. So I concentrated on one thing at a time. She had noticed that many a times and told me I had attention deficiency syndrome. Yeah, right. Nice way to defend yourself, I thought. But this day was different. She kept talking and I kept looking, but gradually I started to notice that she was talking less excitedly, with longer silences in between. I didn’t know what to do. Found myself in a catch 22 situation – to I ask her what’s wrong and risk being shut up, or let her go on and wait till she shares it herself? And on an impulse I blurted out that she was looking worried. She looked at me (and I momentarily froze) and inquired if it was indeed that conspicuous. Now I’d easily have said, it might not be for others, but I know your moods and behavior well enough to be able to notice it. I would’ve sounded all macho and impressive. But all I could manage was a yes. And she flinched and looked away.

By now I had completely forgotten about all those fears and jitters I’d been full of earlier. Her worries always made me forget mine. And I knew it was going to be a matter of mere seconds before she’d be out with whatever it was that was bothering her. She couldn’t hide things from me. Not until she wanted to, which was another matter altogether. So I waited in silence as she sat looking into space. Minutes passed, our food came. And then she turned towards me, her face suddenly flushed, and exclaimed, “I think I like a guy.”

To be continued...


(Find the third part of the story here.)

Welcome 2012!

So...2012 is finally here. I wanted this post to be my last post of the year 2011, but what with scores of text and call wishes coming in, it took a little more time to complete, so here I am, writing my first blog post in the new year. :)

Now I am sure you'd be expecting me to write nice, mushy and full-of-hope stuff tonight. I wish. But my mind has suddenly gone blank. Can't think of anything nicer than to wish everyone a happy new year! I just hope it doesn't turn out to be the last year of this civilization. On second thought, I don't really mind even if it indeed does. I love life but I live in the present rather than in the future. Sometimes in the past too, but that is excusable, right? I just had what was perhaps the most beautiful and significant year of my life. Seeing it end makes me kinda sad. Mellow. But I am hoping to have another beautiful and eventful year ahead. :)

It's been a great year for me in all spheres of life. The start of the year saw me going through a tough phase. Mid of the year had taking some of the most decisive steps of my professional life. This year probably even shaped my whole career, so it sure has been decisive. And the end of the year has literally brought me all the happiness, peace of mind and closure I needed in life. What more could one ever want from life I wonder. It has been a year of change. And I am content with what I received, that is to say the least. And likewise, I hope this coming year brings a lot of success, prosperity, exuberance, everlasting happiness and contentment into everybody's life. Given the hype and anticipation surrounding 2012, it would be nothing if not an eventful year. But lets just hope for the best from it.

On this hopeful note, let me wish you all a very beautiful new year ahead. May it be the best year you've ever had. Stay blessed! :)

P.S. Don't forget to make some resolutions for the coming year, and work extra hard throughout the year to achieve them! You might as well break a few too, because that's what new year resolutions are made for nowadays, right? ;) Cheers!

Is the New Year really here?

Well, it's a genuine question. Straight from my heart. Is the New Year really here? I mean, didn't 2011 just begin? I guess not. And reality says 2012 is indeed just 2 days and a few hours away. But I was loving this year! I was enjoying probably the best days I've had over the whole of 2011. Does it have to end already? *whining* Oh, but wait. Just because the year is gonna end and we're entering a new year, doesn't mean the fun has to end too, right? I think I'm still gonna enjoy my life as much as ever. *relieved*

For now I'm just loving the extremely chilly weather and the fog that is enveloping Delhi these days. Feels like I'm back in Kashmir, with the familiar freezing of hands as I type this and the loads of layers of clothes that I'm wearing, not to miss the warm fuzzy cap on my head right now.
:P

I am not feeling very festive right now, given that I seldom step out of the house for anything more than a pack of chips, and have no plans for shopping or partying with friends or family over the next few (many) days. So I guess it's just gonna be another boring New Year's eve at home, being forced to watch those stupid old New Year bashes on TV with those brainless celebrities shaking their booties onstage for an insane amount of money that ups itself even more insanely every year. That's the part where I get sad. Why can't a poor girl`have her Christmas pie and eat her New Year cake too?

But I am not sure I'm done on that as yet. I'll be writing again before the year ends. So for now I'll just share with you what I did this Christmas. Well, for one, I spent my day at my relatives' place, catching up with cousins and baking cookies for the first time in my life. Okay, most of the work was done by my cousin brother who's into all this cooking stuff, but I helped too! The outcome wasn't exactly fabulous, but it was good enough for us to pat our backs and declare it a worthwhile effort. Coming to gifts, I got this lovely pair of gloves in my favorite colors from my bestie Rose.

They came wrapped in a cute Christmassy paper and can be worn in three different ways. Cool eh? Yeah, yeah, I know I am bordering on pretty childish behavior there, but what the heck, it's festive time! :D

Okay so what more? What is the one thing left without which a Christmas isn't really a Christmas? Well, a Christmas tree it has to be, duh. I didn't have a chance to behold any elaborately done trees this time round *sigh* but I sure saw a little one in the Domino's joint where we had our post-Xmas lunch, bestie and I.

A pretty offbeat and makeshift kind of Christmas that, don't you think? Can't help it, it's always like that in my little part of the world. Weird people, weird things. I love my life anyhow.

Let me know what you did on Christmas! And may you all have a great time celebrating and ushering in the New Year in your own different but cheerful ways. Let the cheer spread! :)