The Agony of Pain

I remember the first time I talked about my foot issues here on my blog. It was a very long time ago; it was in fact my very second post. Here I stand today, almost two years hence, with my 50th blog post, in what is supposed to be a very proud moment for myself. I even planned to come up with a special post to commemorate this humble milestone of my blog. But as fate would have it, I've turned in with a sprained ankle yet again. And with tired tears rolling down my eyes, I am gonna tell you how it really feels.

I have a prolonged instability issue in my left ankle. Or so the doctor said the last time I consulted. So to say, my ankle keeps on getting twisted every now and then, many a times ending up in a bad swelling or muscle strain. It all started with a very bad fall I had some three and a half years ago, which resulted in an injury that unfortunately went untreated. And now it doesn’t matter anymore how much I treat it every time it occurs. How does that sound to you? Probably something like, this girl cannot even walk properly without falling down. Trust me, the line I sometimes get is, ‘You walk with your head too much into the air to actually notice where you’re walking or what you’re stepping on to’. Pun very much intended for me. Walking about in a crepe bandage (not that I like to flaunt it, but being a student whose college won’t stop functioning for her frequent injuries to heal, I have to instantly get going with zero rest every time) all I get is fake sympathetic glances from colleagues, curious expressions from strangers in the metro and worst of all, mock scolding and digs (like the one I quoted above) by my near and dear ones. Move still closer to home, and they’ve literally stopped taking it seriously now. It isn’t a very rare event really, is it? Just me, getting an ankle sprained every couple of months or so. What would usually follow is some limping around, crepe bandages, smell of strong ointments and possibly pleas for help in procuring things I myself cannot. That’s about it. The whole problem summarized in brief. It’ll come and go away of its own accord, no need to bother.

What the suffering person is undergoing, no one really knows. It’d only be another recurring sprain to you, but I practically go through the agony of this terrible pain every single time. To add to these woes, having to limp about my work and still get everything done like it should be done only increases the agony, also making sure that the injuries never heal completely. Result – the carry forward effect, further worsening the instability. The feeling of being temporarily disabled, of having to take help from indifferent people for things that one could very well do on one’s own at some other time is horrible, to say the least. It nothing short of breaks me from inside at times.

Due to some irresolvable issues, I’ve never really gotten around to figuring out what is really wrong with my ankle. It has to do something with the muscles I believe. All the same, the MRI will find out tomorrow, if indeed I finally manage to get it done, that is. I don’t know. I wanted to write a lot on this today, but I’ve suddenly gone blank. Most of what I said above might not even sound sensible, but then, it is how I feel. And being a restless person, always on the go, always at something - to have my foot bound in bandages and ache at the very thought of walking straight – I have much reason to be frustrated and sad. Wish someone really understood.